yesterday's child
by believeindreams-believeinyou
Summary: The whisper leaves her lips like a curl of smoke, travelling upwards and disappearing before anyone can grasp it.


_**a/n- I don't even know what this is. I was listening to the Kelly Clarkson song Ready, and I just... vomited this all over the nearest keypad. It just kind of happened. I also do not own said KC song, or Victorious.**_

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><p><em>Frozen.<em>

It was like paralysis. It spread through her veins and seized her muscles, locking them in place.

_Forgetful again._

It had her forgetting everything - from the day of the week to the colour of her hair, her lines, and even her name.

_The part where I lose my head._

She'd been down the same road before. Only once before. Regardless, she knew it well enough to know that the part she was dreading was fast approaching.

_The scene where I'm supposed to speak, but instead…_

She remembers gaping at the audience, their expecting faces burned into the back of her eyelids. She remembers taking off and gasping. She remembers the tears shed in the parking lot. She remembers how she walked home that night, because no-one cared enough to come out and see how she was. **The show must go on.**

_I sit, and listen again. _

She does nothing but listen. They're all talking and they aren't really saying anything, but she listens anyway because what else is her life for? Why was she given ears if she wasn't meant to use them? At least there's something she's good at.

_I'm stuck with these cards, I guess._

She's complacent in her drowning. There'll never be anything else.

_Leaping, from this cliff._

It's all she can do to keep from rotting inside the prison of flesh she was born in.

_In my thoughts, I fly._

She's a beautiful princess. It's amazing and it's pretty and it's a clash of colours and diamonds and shapes and happy people.

_Like the stones in my heart._

And then she realizes that it's life, and it will never be like that. The stone cold heart sitting behind her ribs aches, reminding her that it's yet to beat.

_Drowning in doubt._

She second-guesses herself on a daily basis. Is she worthy of feeling like this? Of feeling at all?

_For what reason?_

But what is it all for? Why is she here if the only thing she's ever been good at is leaving?

_But I sit, so patiently._

It's never ending. It can never wear thin and it can never break.

Sometimes, she feels that's because she's been waiting for something that isn't going to happen since the minute she was born.

_Drenched in what you want me to be._

Isn't this what they wanted? All of them. The blood-sucking, talent-searching, love-taking leeches. Isn't this what they were aiming for when they broke her down the very first time? Isn't this what they wanted?

_I can't escape_.

The walls are closing in around her, and she has to admit that she's more than a little claustrophobic. She's absolutely petrified they'll tumble down around her.

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><p><em>I'm ready now.<em>

She feels the tears prickling in the corner of her eyes.

_I'm ready now._

It's uncomfortable, but it's not unpleasant.

_I'm ready now._

It's now or never.

_Come get me._

She can only hope that someone is there to catch her when she finally falls.

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><p><em>Fearless. <em>

Something she'll never be. She knows it.

_With cape in hand._

Her cape is tied to her back, but it's torn and dirty and sometimes it falls off and she has to carry it. What's the use in saving herself if she'll never save anyone else?

_Conquer what I needed to mend._

It'll never happen. She'll never win against the enemy. The thing that binds to her sinew and vines throughout her whole body. It's taking over. It's winning.

_Little girls get so broken._

She laughs at all the little girls crying over scraped knees and crushes on boys who don't reciprocate. She laughs, but deep inside she remembers when that was her life (was it ever, really) and wishes, for once, she didn't have to be so damn **jade**d.

_But I sit, so patiently._

She's calm. Her emotions are out the window, and her shaking hands are curled up by her sides. It's perfect.

_Drenched in what you want me to be._

This is what they want. She tells herself over and over. She's not sure whether it's to convince them or to convince herself.

_I can't seem to escape._

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><p><em>I'm ready now. <em>

She swallows back the bile in her throat - the natural reflex, a life-preserving mechanism set up by her body in a feeble attempt to save itself. Doesn't it know it's beyond saving?

_I'm ready now._

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

_I'm ready now._

It's all clear. She knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's doing the right thing.

_Come get me._

The whisper leaves her lips like a curl of smoke, travelling upwards and disappearing before anyone can grasp it.

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><p><em>I fly like stones, as I break every bone.<em>

She feels the weights in her limbs, and they pin her to the bed. Her hand curls around an empty bottle, once containing sleeping pills she'd been prescribed but had never taken. Beside her is an empty bottle of the finest wine in the country.

It's easier than she thought it would be. Peaceful. Like she's a puddle, and the sun is evaporating her, and soon she'll rain down on the world and ruin everyone's perfect sunny day. She likes the thought of that.

And then it hits her. Like a steam train, like she's a wooden house and someone's just smashed into her with a chevy. Her bones. They're breaking. Every muscles aches with the pain of being forgotten and regret and regret that she doesn't regret doing this, not even now. God, it hurts.

But it hurts her less than living ever did.

Her final breath leaves her lips in a whisper.

_Come get me._

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><p><strong><em>an- that's the end of that. Reviews, and I'm being dead serious right now, are like oxygen to me. So unless you want me to end up like this fic, you know what to do. _**

**_additional note: don't you love when you can write away your feelings instead of taking them out on yourself?_**


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